Once upon a time, while i was wiping butt with this particularly good-looking AN, i realised that i hardly have feeling/emotions/crap for my patients. we were to turn this particular comatose patient, clean his butt, change his diapers and whatnots.
while this handsome AN and i were putting on our PPE he said, "i hate to see patients like this. makes me feel sad." i smiled it off and thought, "how come i got no feelings one?"
sheesh, im not even a staff nurse yet. it worries me alot that i dont feel anything. truth said, i just do what i gotta do.
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back in my sweet freshie year, i got my very first last office on my very first clinical attachments. uncle died soon after he was admitted, and i did his admission, his feedings, his changing, his sponging before he died that is. while doing last office i swear i didnt feel awkward, sad, happy, remorse, whatever. i was blatant. i just did what i had to do and i aint complaining about it.
the second or was it third deceased patient i came across got me laughing real bad (also occured during my sweet freshie year). darn, i guffawed like a freak behind the cutains, beside the body- cause ain did something stupid. apparently, she took the parameters for the dead body. so stupid can? and to make us look more like fools, patient's relative were outside mourning over the lost.
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during my 2 weeks posting at KKH women's tower- my main objective was to witness an abortion. of course i wasnt crazy enough to state that in my journal and present it to joKoh. but deep within the recesses of my dark, morbid heart, i yearned to see what a gasping fetus looks like. but too bad, i didnt get to see any. and still, i wonder why~
when i got to paeds ward, i couldnt help but visualised myself firing a bulletgun into the heads of pretty pampered little girls. i hate them can? i prefer little boys. little girls wail/scream/shout/banshee-fy for no apparent reason and it pisses me off.
dammit, im bonded to kkh. help?
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im worried, i not even a staff nurse. i dont work full shifts just yet. ben told me this before, "after working for so long, your heart will become stone sia" gosh~ my heart is already stoned.
